NEW DRESS
When my wife buys a new dress she asks me what I think of it. I always end up in trouble because I can never come up with the right answer. What is the right answer and what is it with women and their obsession with clothes? Mal Function, Wooloweyah

Magenta Says: Women have a brain compartment for dressing. Men don’t.

You can tell a single man by his clothes. Old, faded, browns and greys, missing buttons, and stains that never come out. He stands out a mile. There are exceptions like the local cowboy who can be seen a mile away, hitching in his resplendent lime green trousers with fluoro pink jacket and matching shoes and hat. Not to mention the beads. Some days he wears a bright orange shirt and yellow pants. Maybe it’s a safety measure but he is always a joy to behold. Then there’s the old homeless guy sporting his all weather jacket made out of a big, black garbage bag. This is brilliant recycling. Despite the constant rustling, he appears warm, dry and happy in his own peculiar way.

After being in a new relationship for a few months, a man reappears with new, clean, modern clothes and an aura of being cared for. He’s amazed that suddenly women notice him and he enjoys all the attention.

Mal, when she asks what you think of her new dress, tell her it’s beautiful, then ask her to turn around so you can see the back. Say it also looks fabulous from this angle, compliment her on her good taste and you’ll be assured of a good night.

But what if you don’t like it? You should ask her, before she goes shopping, what she wants you to say. Does she want the truth or is she after reassurance of her attractiveness? Take this advice and you will save a lot of time and energy on fights. I trained Norm to say what I want to hear, and, even though I know he is playing from a script, somehow it pleases me greatly. Ridiculous I know, but there you go.

Norm Says: Corker of a question Mal! I can tell you this is complicated shit. Like a lot of these weird female tendencies it can be traced back to the natural world and our prehistoric beginnings. Birds and fish use spectacular plumage and colour to attract a mate. Mammals go by visuals too, mainly focussed around the fun bits. They also use smell and violence to attract a mate. If evolution was left up to us geezers, we’d still be rolling around in our own faeces head butting each other like wildebeests to attract a girlfriend. Much like footballers, I guess.

The problem here, Mal, is when you see your wife in a new dress, you don’t see the dress, you see what’s in it. Especially if said dress is tight-fitting and has a plunging neckline. We can’t help it, we’re wired that way.

When I was little, whenever I picked up a doll, I would tend to undress it to see what was under all those petticoats but soon realised there was nothing to see there. I’d then run it over several times with my tricycle.

Apart from a brief period in our teens, men only wear clothes to avoid being arrested or for protection when operating machinery. Our wives however, like to dress up not so much for our benefit, believe it or not, but for their own. Basically, for some unknown reason it makes them feel good.

The trick here is that they can’t completely feel good in a new dress until they have an affirmation from someone else, namely you. Honesty in marriage is bullshit. Learn the art of flattery, even if you don’t mean it. Use words like ‘absolutely fabulous’, ‘it really suits you’, ‘beautiful, gorgeous and stunning’.

Just don’t try it out on your mates lest they either punch you or come on to you.
“The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man”. Madame Stael 1766-1817

Send your relationship problems to magentaappelpye@ gmail.com and Magenta and Norm will try and help.